Closest to Heaven
by RavenChristina
Summary: You're the closet to heaven that I'll ever be... TonksHermione WARNING: ROMANCE AND ANGST but a happy ending, I promise


Closest to Heaven

By

Ghost of Eternity

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, ok? I don't own the song either.

Summary: You're the closest to heaven that I've ever been…

Pairing: Hermione/Tonks, implied Lupin/Tonks; takes place post HBP, the war is over, Harry isn't dead, but Neville is. Tonks and Hermione may also seem a little out-of-character, but hey, it works for this fic.

This one has a very personal feeling for me.

Dedication: Julia, I love you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hated seeing you with him.

It bothered me a lot more than I thought it would. Granted, I was happy for you; you were lucky because you got one of the better ones. You always looked so content with him, sitting there in front of the fire in his lap, your head on his shoulder as he stroked your hair.

But then the jealousy came in, and I wished that I was the one sitting in your lap, your long and elegant arms holding me. You'd probably laugh if someone called you "elegant", considering how much of a klutz you are, but to me you're elegant. When your mind is set on something, you move rather gracefully… especially when you do what you do best: fight.

…

I remember seeing you in the final fight. You stayed so strong, and so fluid. I remember you moved so quickly and fast, feet flying and your robes whirling in a blaze of violet color as you took down death-eater after death-eater. You were different than you usually were. You were a goddess.

I remember you found me kneeling over Neville's body, crying because he'd sacrificed himself for Harry. You gathered me into those arms, and we both cried. I saw your true face, tears running down it, smudged in blood and dirt. To me you were beautiful…

And in that moment, even surrounded by so much pain and the bitter-sweet taste of victory, I fell in love with you.

…

But you didn't turn to me when you needed someone; you went to him. Over time, your relationship with him blossomed, and none of us were surprised when you announced you and him were a couple. I smiled for you when you looked in my direction, but inside my heart was breaking. He was good for you though. He brought back your old-self, who got over blaming herself for Sirius' death, and it made me love you even more as you became once again the Tonks I had known before, and more than that.

Even when I moved in with Harry, I was elated to find out that you (and Lupin) were as well. We all made Grimmauld Place our home, but to me, anywhere you were was home.

You noticed I kept to myself, and so you invited me out with you and Lupin often. Even though I was the third wheel, I didn't mind; you were happy with him, and if you were happy, I was.

…

I remember that one night when you, Lupin and I went to the theater, and when we came back we found Ron and Harry in an intimate embrace. I must have turned ten shades of red, and Lupin became rather flustered, but not you. You just stood there, put your hands on your hips and said, "'bout bloody time you two got into each others' pants."

I fell deeper in that moment, because I saw the humor and happiness in the eyes I had so come to adore. I saw that you were glad to be in this world; that you had survived and became better for it. I saw that you were happy for your friends. And I fell even harder.

…

I had to have been going mad, I decided. I couldn't take much more of seeing the two of you together, but I didn't want to be a home-wrecker. When Ginny began whispering that Lupin had bought you a ring, I became increasingly distraught. I knew there was never a chance for you and I to be together.

I began to wander the streets at night, looking for anyone who would give me an escape from my torment. I ended up in many another girl's arms; anyone who didn't remind me of you. And yet, with every girl I was ever with, they did remind me of you.

I came out to everyone that Christmas, about the time Ron and Harry announced their relationship. Later on in the kitchen, you pulled me aside and said that you had seen me go into a girl's apartment. You asked me so sweetly, with the barest hint of tears in your (for the moment) green eyes not to, that I was only leading myself down a path of self-destruction.

So for you, I let down some of the neighborhood girls of the evening that I would no longer be requiring their services. Some of them were greatly disappointed, but I had promised you.

…

I turned to something else though: music. I taught myself guitar and began to write songs that reflected my innermost feelings. Before I knew it I had sold a good amount of my work to many singers and bands.

You were pleased for me, but you had more cause to be so. He had finally proposed, and you had said yes.

The night you told us, I snuck out of the house and drank myself soddingly sick. I could barely crawl out the pub door, and who should stumble upon me but Parvati Patil, the first girl who had come out in our 7th year. She took me to her place, and let me stay there until I sorted everything out. She was so sympathetic, and I didn't know how to thank her.

Did we? No. I didn't need a pity-quickie and she knew it, so she just listened and helped me get back up on my feet.

When I came home after three days, you threw your arms around me in a clumsy and crushing hug, knocking us both over. You were so relieved to see me, and for a moment I wondered if maybe…

But no. I was wrong.

…

The others knew how I felt, although I thank god Lupin never caught on. I told them, and every time I would catch myself watching you, I would see an understanding look from Ron, Harry or Ginny. They all, at one time or another, listened to me as I cried, and helped me through the hard times.

Then the unthinkable happened:

Lupin was doing undercover work with the werewolf coven when there was a raid by the Ministry of Magic department of Magical Creatures, and in all the confusion, he had been mistaken for one of the coven and shot.

He was dead.

You cried, for days and days. No one could get you to eat, or to come out of your room. It hurt me to see you in so much pain, and suddenly the guilt of wanting something to happen to him so I could have you to myself hurt too. But I pushed aside those feelings and joined the other's efforts to bring you back you the real world.

I remember at the funeral, you hung onto my arm so tight so you could stand up, and you left bruises. You sobbed… and once again in your tears you were gorgeous.

That night, I came into your room to check on you, and I found you sitting on you bed, staring at his empty side.

I stood there, enthralled by your loveliness, and you turned. I froze, unsure what to say. "Um… I came to check on you, see if you needed anything."

You nodded, but didn't turn your gaze from mine. I felt nervous; why were you staring at me like that?

Suddenly I heard your hoarse voice whispering quietly and I strained to hear it.

"Hermione…sing for me… sing me one of your songs…"

I stood there, and you repeated your request. What could I do? I could never deny you anything, no matter what it was. So I sang. I sang the song I had written about your eyes: how they changed colors with your emotions, and how I could drown in their depths. I sang about how I would have given anything to stare into your eyes for eternity. Of course, you didn't know the song was about you, and I wasn't going to tell you it was.

When I finished, I saw a small smile spread across your face.

"Thank you."

…

Every night, for a year, that's how it went: I would come up to your room and I would sing for you. I would sing the songs I had written about you before and the ones I wrote then. Bit by bit, you healed. You became human once again, and by the time the year anniversary rolled around you had.

You asked me to go to the grave with you and so I went. We stood there in the rain, and you laid roses on it. I wanted nothing more than at that moment to pull you into my arms and kiss away your pain, but I restrained myself as I had for so long now.

"Goodbye, Remus." You whispered softly, and then you turned to me and smiled. "Let's go."

…

That night I went into your room and sat down with my guitar on your bed. You smiled at me, "Wotcher, 'Mione."

"You haven't said that in a while." I said as I placed my guitar on my knee and strummed a few chords.

"What am I gonna hear tonight?" you asked as you sat beside me, drawing up your knees to your chest. I smiled and began to play the song.

This one I had written to describe how I felt just to be near you, and every time you touched me I was in heaven…

"And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

And sooner or later it's over

I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am…"

I finished and watched you as you watched me, your eyes turning their normal grey and your hair its' normal brown. Your face seemed ethereal as you asked me, "did you love her?"

I started, "What?"

"The girl you wrote this song for. Did you love her?" you asked me again. I looked down and sighed slowly. I wondered if I should answer… your eyes looked at me with such intense curiosity and something else I couldn't name that I did.

"Yes… I still do…"

"How long have you loved her?"

I looked away and said, "About six years now."

You looked at me strangely. "You haven't told her?"

I shook my head, and suddenly you sort of blew up at me. I reeled with the intensity of your words as you lectured me.

"Dammit, Hermione, why have you held your feelings in for so long? You should tell her, and not put yourself through the torture! Believe me, I know what that's like, and it isn't pretty. You spend what seems like your whole life pining over them only to either have them not return the feelings, be taken, or to be snatched away before you can act on your feelings! And you spend the real rest of your life knowing you let them get away!"

I sat there, my body tense as you continued.

"Have you ever heard the phrase 'carpe diem'? It means seize the day, so take your feelings and be perfectly damn honest with her! Tell her how you feel, and take the risk of being hurt! Believe me; you'll be much better in the end."

I took everything in that you said as you caught your breath. I knew it, right in that moment, that my time had come. I had waited six damn long years; enough was enough!

I set my guitar down on the floor and gazed at you. My heart was pounding, and yet I was calm as I took your hand and began to say what I had wanted to say for so long:

"Nymphadora Tonks… I love you."

You gasped, and yet you didn't let go of my hands as I went on.

"I've loved you for six years now. I fell in love with you the day Voldemort and the death-eaters fell; when you held me in your arms as we both cried for the dead. I've loved you for so long now that I know I could never love anyone else. I've waited for you in silence, knowing that I could never move on even if I tried. I love you, Tonks. I feel like I always have, and now that I can finally tell you, you have no idea how happy I feel."

I exhaled slowly and waited for you to say something… anything that would tell me I had done the right thing.

You looked at me, the eyes I loved so much turning a myriad of colors as you tried to figure everything out…

I was afraid now. I wasn't sure what you were going do. I sure as hell wasn't expecting what did happen next:

You leaned forward and said, "Hermione Granger, I never thought I'd hear you say that to me." And you kissed me.

Dearest, sweetest ever-loving God! Your lips were as soft as I'd imagined, maybe even more. I was so light-headed that I wasn't so sure I could stay upright; if I died right in this moment, I wouldn't care where I went because I'd go with a smile on my face.

You pulled away and observed me as I tried to calm down. I was trembling terribly, and you brought my hands to your lips and kissed them lightly. "Relax."

"I-I can't." I breathed out, "I-I've waited for you to do that to me for so long."

Tear filled your now purple eyes as you said, "Hermione, you really waited six years to tell me? Why?"

"Because," I sniffed, because I was crying too, "You were happy with Lupin. I didn't want to screw that up. I decided that I'd be better off just loving you from a distance."

You were crying freely now, and you told me through your gorgeous tears, "Oh Hermione, I'm sorry I put you through so much pain! If I had known—"

"Tonks, you didn't; it's all right. You wanted to be with him, and you were happy. If you were I was. It didn't matter to me then; it doesn't now. I'm ok."

"Are you?"

"I'm with you, aren't I?" I smiled, leaning forward and cupping your face in my hands. "I always am with you."

You gazed at me for a few moments, and then you smiled and threw your arms around my neck. "Oh Hermione… I don't know what to say…"

"Then don't say anything." I soothed as I lay back onto your bed, cradling you in my arms. You buried your head into my shoulder, and I stroked you now reddish-brown hair. "It'll be all right." I murmured as you sniffled quietly. "I promise."

You fell asleep in my arms, and I couldn't help but be on top of the world. I finally was in the moment I had craved and wanted for so long. And soon, listening to the rhythm of your breath, I fell asleep too.

…

When I woke up, you were still curled up against me, and for a moment I thought it was a dream. Then I remembered what happened the night before, and I knew it wasn't. I was really there, with you.

Your eyes fluttered open and they were your normal shade of grey as you grinned at me. "Good morning, Hermione."

"Morning Tonks." I replied as you sat up.

You looked over at me, and said two words I didn't really expect. "What now?"

"Huh?" I asked, confused.

"oh." Your face scrunched up in bewilderment, and then you gasped, "Oh! I didn't say it last night, did I?"

I watched you, rather nervously as you turned to me and smiled even wider. "I did something over this year, Hermione. Even though I will always love Remus, there's someone else who I fell in love with. It took me a year to do it, and I realized it last night."

I gulped, my eyes widening. Did you really mean…?

"I love you too Hermione Granger. And I want you to be with me… if you'll have me."

I sat up and took your hands excitedly. "Yes! Oh yes Tonks, I will! I mean…" I kissed the backs of your hands, "I know I could never replace him. I won't try to."

"Mione, I know that. Now just shut up and kiss me."

And I did.

…

"Mummy?"

"Yes?"

"What if I don't like it at Hogwarts?"

Adrianna looks fearfully at the Hogwarts Express, the red engine whistling loudly as other parents bid the children farewell.

Alistair, who has already started at Hogwarts a year before his sister, smiles at her. "Don't worry Adrianna; it'll be great fun, you'll see. First year's always the best, isn't it Mum? Mama?"

I smile at my son, "well, my first year certainly was interesting, I can tell you that."

You smile back at me, "ain't that the truth. Hey, there's Ron and Harry and J.B.!"

Harry and Ron walk toward us, their adopted son James Black Potter (hence the nickname "J.B.") running up to Alistair. "Hey mate!"

The two commence to talking about the newest model of broomstick that J.B. had acquired as seeker this year.

Harry smiles atyou and I, and grins at Adrianna. "Hey there Adrianna! Ready to start school?"

To our surprise, Adrianna nods.

The last whistle sounds and the three children make their way to the train. I catch myself tearing up as I watch my youngest climb up into a car after her brother. She turns and waves, "G'bye Mummy! Bye Mama!" She then follows her brother and his friend to find a compartment.

A warm arm circles my waist, and I lay my head on your shoulder. We watch as the Hogwarts Express pulls out of the station, and you kiss the top of my head.

"I love you Hermione."

"I love you too, Tonks."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only in a world of my making does the girl get the girl. She's not gonna break up with him anytime soon, is she? Sigh… Oh well, hope ya like it! Please read and review! 3/5/2006 11:43 AM


End file.
